I am not sure if I am quite ready to do this yet. But I'm not ready to do anything so in order to keep functioning I figure I should just start things and see what happens. So I'll start this post and hope that I can finish it in a reasonable amount of time.
Remember when you got engaged (if you've ever been engaged) how you repeated about 1,000,000x how he proposed? Well, I guess I don't know if boys had the same experience - but I have told this story way too many times, like I did when we got engaged! Therefore, here is the 'cliff note' version :-)
Tuesday 24 April I went for my weekly appointment at the OB. Everything was great. Everything on track. She found the heart beat right away. No worries. My little boy hadn't been as active that day as he usually is so the doctor suggested I pay close attention to him for the next little bit. So I did. The next day I didn't remember feeling him move in the morning. I tried the 'kick counting' or whatever and didn't get anything. I called the OB- they said come in for a stress test. Where they put a monitor on to measure movement and heart beat. I was perfectly calm and not worried when I went in. Three nurses tried to find the heart beat and couldn't. So they called by doctor in and we went to do a quick ultrasound. After the 10 or so I had gotten I was very familiar to him and what he looks like etc. A few minutes later my doctor said she couldn't find the heart beat. I asked her what that meant (surely not what was last on my mind) and she said it meant he didn't have a heart beat.
I didn't know what she meant. I was so confused. "He will be fine"- is what I heard from literally every single doctor, nurse, human I had been in contact with. So 'he doesn't have a heart beat' didn't register right away. She told me that she was going to go ahead and deliver me. I called Daniel who was at work and he just walked out of the room he was in and came straight home. I went home, packed a few things (what do you pack?) and as soon as Daniel came home we went back to the hospital.
They gave me the option to have a c-section or a vbac. I had originally wanted to do a vbac - but the thought of going into labor and waiting for that to happen and then pushing him out was just so out of the question. There is no way I would have ever been able to push. So we went for the c-section.
He was perfect and beautiful. Just sleeping. We were able to spend a few hours with him. Hold him. Take pictures with him. Name him. And just burn him into our memories. It was an incredibly special and sacred time for Daniel and I. At 36 weeks (9 mo to the day) he was 6 lbs 13 oz. Had he gone to 40 weeks he'd a been a chunker! That was just 3 oz away from how much Alex weighed, same height as Alex and one room away from where we were with Alex. Adam was also due on Alex's birthday. I never put together how similar they were. Brothers forever :-)
We named him Adam Daniel Jacobs. Not sure where that came from. We weren't really considering Adam. I thought it was a little too close to Alex. But as we sat in the room holding him Daniel said, "how about Adam?" and I said "Adam Daniel?" and we knew that was his name. Never looked back. Love the name Adam and obviously named after his daddy so we stuck with 'tradition'. We don't necessarily want to go the 'A' route- but we do want the middle names of our kids to be family names.
What happened next is really a blur and fuzzy in my minds eye. We chose to bury him in Manassa CO where my dad is from. That was among the first of the decisions and we also never looked back from that. Manassa is a beautiful place that has so many memories and family on my side. I wanted Adam to be next to my grandpa Boyd (who we were going to name him after) but apparently my grandma sort of has that spot reserved :-) Instead we chose to put him right next to my parents plots.
Alex has been told what happened. He doesn't tell us he understands but I know he knows what is going on. My brother asked him where Adam was and Alex promptly replied "he died". Alex knows his picture and I am sure knows who his brother is and that there is a spot empty in our family.
So many family and friends came and supported us. We are just amazed at the love and prayers and support we have gotten through this whole ordeal. Its unreal. We are so incredibly thankful to everyone. Truly from the bottom of our hearts- we are grateful to you all.
We are still and forever will be heart broken about our loss. But there also will always be the peace and knowledge from Heavenly Father that we will be together again soon and that we will be able to raise him and he will be in our family forever. The peace and comfort is also unreal. It's the strangest experience. I know what happened and I know Adam is fine and so on. But coping with this hole that is now in my being is what I don't know what to do with. I just want to hold him. The yearning for that is unimaginable. I am supposed to still be pregnant. I am supposed to be grumpy and tired and sore and everything because I am still pregnant. But I'm not. I'm emotionally and mentally broken instead. I'd take being pregnant over this! And that's saying something to those of you unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of my endless complaints and whining.
Before Adam was buried we had an autopsy done to see if we could have an answer to why this happened to a perfectly healthy little boy. The official diagnosis is a cord accident. There was a knot in the cord. As far as it having anything to do with my 'condition' that is unknown and will never be known. Was he struggling for oxygen (because it was being taken by my antibodies) and so twisted to get air? Was he just a mover and a shaker? We don't know. We do know he was weakened by the fact that his little body was fighting off my body. Our little warrior fought until the end.
Here are a few pictures from the events. If you don't want to see pictures of Adam don't scroll down.
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| These are molds of his hand and food. The hat he wore for a few minutes. The key ring holds the things Daniel and I buried with him. Daniel wears the dog tag (we have one for Alex we'll give to him one day). Then I wear the oval silver trinket and its hard to see but there is a little lock and I wear the key to the lock. |
This picture of Alex, to me, is one of the most precious of the bunch. He's standing at the side of his brother. Knowing what is going on. Still. Feeling and understanding the reverence. I love it. I might post more pictures as they come (Andrew! HINT HINT! :-)
I guess these don't really need explanations. Once again we are so thankful for everyone who traveled to come to the funeral. We are so thankful for the meals, cards and flowers that have been delivered. We are so thankful for the prayers, love and support. Thank you all so much.
